Saturday, February 20, 2010
and so Chinese New Year has come and gone. Okay technically, there are a few more days before the end of the official 15days, but honestly, if it's not a public holiday it's not much of a holiday here.
My past blog entry is eons ago! But it's easy (or hard) to sum up what I've been going through since the last time I blogged. Rojak. Apart from the CNY festivities where it was all fun (except when I lost too much at gambling, I hate to lose and I love money WAHAHAH), mostly my emotions have been in highs and lows.
I get happy and positive and carefree sometimes. And then I start to think about how the world is really my oyster, and there are so many possibilities with life. And how I know what I want to do with life, and I'm going to lead a happy one focusing on AiClay while working part-time in a regular job that would give me some stable moolah.
And then there are the lows. And I mean, being so depressive and wanting to cry and feeling the hot tears spill while entertaining thoughts of just ending this miserable life and everything is grey and all I see are sad robots disguised as humans in office clothing. I would get so gloomy thinking about how I would still ultimately end up like another one of those office workers, and AiClay would slowly just be a hobby and finally something that I would look back on one day, all clad in office clothing and buried under work, and think "oh, how young and foolish I was then, to think THAT would work out.". And then I'll wait for 5.30pm and leave the tall buildings, joining the mass of similarly-clothed workers in public transport and return home to sleep, knowing that I'll be waking up to the same old routine again tomorrow, for the rest of my life.
I feel so severely scared for my future that I wonder why I'm this way, and I kind of blame it on my last 'official' job.
I'm entertaining thoughts of being a zookeeper, but even THAT required an education in life sciences etc.
I'm entertaining thoughts of working at a stationery store, surrounded by beautiful notepads and pretty pencils. But I am afraid that would just further cement the fact that I've truly wasted my university years (and fees).
I read through each job scope so many many times, before pouncing on the one little detail that would make me not send out my resume. I find so many reasons for myself to not do it, and I shouldn't keep doing that, but I still think my reasons are right (sometimes).
I think we should be living in an era where the phrases 'live for yourself' and 'do what you love, and you'll love what you do' should be not just used in theory, but applied to real life too.
CRAP, I was pretty intent on sending out the resume for the stationery store and now the jobsearch database server has crashed on me. perfect.
Alright, I shall quit being the sarcastic whiny old man.
My msn nick is now 'Nothing's too scary', to make me all pumped up to apply for jobs and quit thinking I'm not capable of them.
My past blog entry is eons ago! But it's easy (or hard) to sum up what I've been going through since the last time I blogged. Rojak. Apart from the CNY festivities where it was all fun (except when I lost too much at gambling, I hate to lose and I love money WAHAHAH), mostly my emotions have been in highs and lows.
I get happy and positive and carefree sometimes. And then I start to think about how the world is really my oyster, and there are so many possibilities with life. And how I know what I want to do with life, and I'm going to lead a happy one focusing on AiClay while working part-time in a regular job that would give me some stable moolah.
And then there are the lows. And I mean, being so depressive and wanting to cry and feeling the hot tears spill while entertaining thoughts of just ending this miserable life and everything is grey and all I see are sad robots disguised as humans in office clothing. I would get so gloomy thinking about how I would still ultimately end up like another one of those office workers, and AiClay would slowly just be a hobby and finally something that I would look back on one day, all clad in office clothing and buried under work, and think "oh, how young and foolish I was then, to think THAT would work out.". And then I'll wait for 5.30pm and leave the tall buildings, joining the mass of similarly-clothed workers in public transport and return home to sleep, knowing that I'll be waking up to the same old routine again tomorrow, for the rest of my life.
I feel so severely scared for my future that I wonder why I'm this way, and I kind of blame it on my last 'official' job.
I'm entertaining thoughts of being a zookeeper, but even THAT required an education in life sciences etc.
I'm entertaining thoughts of working at a stationery store, surrounded by beautiful notepads and pretty pencils. But I am afraid that would just further cement the fact that I've truly wasted my university years (and fees).
I read through each job scope so many many times, before pouncing on the one little detail that would make me not send out my resume. I find so many reasons for myself to not do it, and I shouldn't keep doing that, but I still think my reasons are right (sometimes).
I think we should be living in an era where the phrases 'live for yourself' and 'do what you love, and you'll love what you do' should be not just used in theory, but applied to real life too.
CRAP, I was pretty intent on sending out the resume for the stationery store and now the jobsearch database server has crashed on me. perfect.
Alright, I shall quit being the sarcastic whiny old man.
My msn nick is now 'Nothing's too scary', to make me all pumped up to apply for jobs and quit thinking I'm not capable of them.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 2:34 AM.
