Monday, November 24, 2008

MUSHY MUSHY POST.

because today was a quarrel/tension-free day of bliss with so much laughter and lovers' bickering. (you know those kind you just keep chattering non-stop and finding little stuffs to pinch and hit each other over, but all the time your eyes are glittering with much love. wahahah)

and because tomorrow will be our fifteenth month together. :)

so here goes (hold your puke).

I see the scribbling and tiny drawings you draw on my lecture notes and I can't help but smile. They are sometimes of gross nature (about flicking gold from nose or chocolate cake from errr.) but a few are with cute little hearts you awkwardly draw and exclamations of loveyous! :)

I get really excited when we walk towards really high escalators because I really treasure those few seconds when I can put my arms around your neck and rest my head on your shoulders, breathing in the scent of your shampoo.

I like not needing to see and still manage to slot my fingers perfectly between yours.

I really like moments like today, when we laugh about everything (and not giving a damn about those papers tomorrow, and the next day or whatever) and anything.

I love it when you pretend to scoot off to the toilet and return with a bag of sweets or some other surprise. :) (although i know my he'sgoingtosurpriseme-radar is too damn strong for my own good. :( )

I like you patting my head and making my hair all messy, then trying to awkwardly comb it into place.

I've never been more comfortable anywhere but curling up in your lap while you dig/tickle my ears with a cottonbud. (why does it sound so yucky and not sweet, hahha.)

i feel awfully protected when i squat in front of the petshop staring at the poodles and you hug me from behind, with your arms enveloping me.

AND ANDD, i really want to eat the peanutbutter m&ms you surprised me with today, but I promised myself I'll share it with you during our movie tomorrow. :)) haha. I AM SO GENEROUS LAR. (although I secretly hope you'll be too busy chomping on popcorn)

OKAY END MUSH.

(you can puke now.)

(ohmygod i just spent like an hour on flickr looking for photos i could upload here, SHIT. my notes are UNTOUCHED. okay this entry shall go picture-free.)

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 11:42 PM.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)

I just heard this poem recited in Desperate Housewives. and it was so chillingly beautiful.

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 3:11 PM.

A week ago (i think) I attended jiayang's cousin's 21st party, and his really really pretty (she looks angmoh when both her parents are chinese, and she has like brown hair and kinda grey eyes!) little cousin gave every female there this precious crystal angel handphone charm. I really like it a whole lot lar! Cause actually i've seen it around sold in shops and the price is like $14++?

bleahh, ex ex.

And the little girl made it herself! and then when she was asking me to choose one out of the many colours she was holding, i went.

"wow jamie, this is really pretty! How much did you spend?"

(I HONESTLY MEANT TO ASK ABOUT THE TIME SHE TOOK TO DO IT, BUT I STUPIDLY LEFT OUT THE WORD 'TIME'.)

And her mom was standing just beside her, while Jamie was rather taken aback and told me about '$100+'. And then I tried to clear the misunderstanding that I meant how LONG did she take, but she lost interest (and probably grew scared of this money-minded woman) and the conversation came to a stop.

And I was left quite distraught. :( You know, everything is blown out of proportion when they concern your boy/girlfriend's families righttt? So I wasn't exactly over-reacting lar hor. haha.

But then a few hours ago, I saw Jamie with some crayon picture drawn on her hand, and jumped at the chance to make things up. And then she helped write my name and a flower on my hand, and I felt much better.

haha.

Pretty long ago, (wahlao I sound like Moses Lim that Tan Ah Teck haha. A lot of grandmother stories) me and jiayang were going to this pet shop to coo over the golden retrievers and toy poodles there. And I dunno why but I felt nice and I bluffed jiayang to going to the pet shop first, while I went into Watsons and bought him a 4-pack tissue box with pictures of sleeping golden retrievers on them. haha. And the Watsons plastic bag was so big, he must have thought I probably got him like a really great present. and it turned out to be tissue. WHOOPS.

Anyway, please contact me if you've got golden retrievers/toy poodles/dogs, there are two very big hearts here desperate to show some love. hahah.

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 1:42 PM.

Friday, November 14, 2008

the last few entries were really angsty.

but here's a happier one.

although not quite, cause the boy's in my bed now sleeping and im really worried that he's developing a fever. :( and therefore we're not out celebrating, even though today is the LAST day of this freakishly hellish semester!! :) but of course, there're still exams, but OHWELL. relac lar. hahha. -skulks to one corner.

I'm waiting for him to wake up so we can get the car and have some decent dinner (hopefully).

anyway, me and the boy haven't been fighting much since the last post, but of course realistically i KNOW we'll fight again, sometime. but hopefully not too soon eh. and i know i come out of a quarrel everytime learning something, like to be more tolerant, or less easily jealous etc. like moral development. hahha, wth.

and a week ago, my grandpa turned 71! :)

the dog is fake. but my grandparents insisted on it posing there. so yep. the birthday guy gets his wish. haha. (though my grandma did control where the fake fruits should be placed though. yep, they're fake too. haha, but the cake is REAL. duh.)

have i said this before? but anyway, i think my grandparents are one of the sweetest elderly couple i see around. my grandpa's always holding my grandma's hand when they're walking, crossing the street etc. and even more so, now that her legs give her trouble when she walks long distance. and he is really worried that my grandma will get lost when we go into some crowded shopping district or in some foreign country. :) it's awfully sweet you know.

the clay car i tried to model after one of the boy's favorite lambo. haha. errm, a bit off lar, but it's the thought lar folks. hee. and i fussed over this tiny car all night when i was supposed to be cramming for my 40% midterm test!! goodness. clay will lead to my downfall one day. haha.

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 7:48 PM.

Monday, November 03, 2008

i fought with him again. and there were a lot of fucks(on my side) and tears(on my side, okay not a lot, but it was intensive tearing for quite a few minutes) and crazy talk(yep still on my side) and shit damn, i fucking hate this!

he said i should really stop saying fuck, cause it doesnt make things better. but don't u see baby, if i was able to behave exactly in the ways that would make things better, i wouldnt have told you all those shit or felt that lousy way or did anything to sabotage our shortlived happy days.

wtf, quarreling twice in two days. this is so not what i wanted.

and yet i caused it. i bloody took this all upon myself. just slap me, damn damn damn.

this blog's seeing a lot of personal talk from me, but i don't really care really anymore.

if there are any girlfriends out there who are constantly still feeling insecure about every damn thing and every damn girl, please say aye. i need to know i'm not alone, that even if i'm the problematic one, i'm not the ONLY one. and that he can't go running to some other girl cause she's probably going to do the same thing to him anyway.

insecurity breeds. and it kills relationships, and friendships.

fuck insecurity.

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 2:26 AM.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

today was another drama-mama.

Really, those songs weren't just being cheesy or what when they have song titles like, 'because of you' or 'you are my life' or etc. (okay i totally made up the second title, and the first title isn't really about what I mean, that's about Kelly Clarkson and her dad, and NOPE, i'm not talking about my dad here.)

Seriously, it's only when things start to get ugly, and when they get better after that, that I realise how much you affect my moods. You could make me laugh giddily for hours, and send me bawling in the showers, just with one look, one word.

Today, I knew I wasn't going to make it home even while I sat amongst busy commuters, sniffling loudly away and wiping away at those tears which kept forming no matter how much I tried to drown myself in the music in my ears. I skipped through all the sad, emo songs in my music playlist (funny how song lyrics take on totally different meanings in different contexts. When I'm happy, I could listen to a super emo song and still be smiling away in my pink, candy, fluffy world. When I'm sad, it takes only some slow guitar/piano notes to turn on those sprinklers.) and turned up the volume way high. But I couldn't get you out of my head, and I kept mulling over things and the tears kept coming, and I had no tissue and people must have been staring.. I was a mess.

And then I knew I had to head back for you. Because I would still be feeling as awful as I was even when I reached home, only much worser because everyone knows its harder to cry in front of family than strangers. And I haven't had one of those episodes where I shut myself in the room and cry my heart out for a really long time, and I didn't know if I was prepared for one then. It wouldn't matter really, even if my mom tried to talk to me or my bro tried to cheer me up, or if my dad went to drive his cab (hahah random) or what.

There was only one person in the world who could save me. (ohmygosh, I'm running a very high risk of sounding extremely cheesy. Really, those who can't stand such cheese can just blog-hop right now. haha)

You. (ohgoshh, so cheesy again. hahha. I gotta stop ruining my emo moments myself)

Okay, ignore all those parentheses. Cause even though they sound super cheesy now, it was really true at that point of time, and at just one stop before I reached my house, I got out of the train, swollen eyes and red nose and all, onto the train in the other direction. Back to where I just left you.

And, sure enough.

:)

and so, to my boy.

you've been so good to me these 14 months, and enduring all my nonsense must have been crazily tough.

once again, i promise to be a better girlfriend. (I really wanna hold true to that!)

i lar-urve you.

can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 1:00 AM.