Tuesday, November 28, 2006
this is my number dunno-what-attempt to write.
ive been wanting to say something about all that's been happening, but not knowing how to, and even not finding it appropriate to. but i think you guys should know.
so, the hospital called on Saturday, at about 1am something. i woke my mom up, and she and my dad rushed off. apparently, my grandfather was already gone by the time they reached, by the time the nurse called actually. my cousin reasoned its coz they didnt want any too-distraught state-of-mind, which would be unsafe for driving at that time of the night. and my mom didnt want to call me and break the news to me at that time, because she knew i was the only one still awake at that hour. so when i woke up tomorrow, i just managed to hear my brother tell me, that gong gong had passed away already. sheesh. tears. and i hate crying in front of family. but i always do.
and then, when my parents came back (they had spent many hours in the wee hours collecting the body, buying the coffin, settling funeral arrangements. straight away. i think my mom's got such a strong spirit.) my mom seemed okay. but then when she saw me with my red swollen eyes, she broke down for a while too, as she hugged me. while telling me (with a broken voice) that its okay, that gong gong was already very old (eighty).
anyway, so very quickly, we put on all black clothing and went over to my gong gong's flat, for the funeral. and i have been staying there for a few nights, helping out and just feeling the need to be around my cousins, aunties, my family. plus, to be there for my mom. (gong gong's my mother's father.)
the thing is, yesterday was my first paper, sociology. and so after terrible terrible hours of worrying and changing my mind over and over again if i should just go for my examination, i decided not to. And so i quickly checked online about it (actually i already checked a few days before my grandfather died, it was like there was a premonition or something. and i know ive said quite a few things about death just the day before, writing about 'funereal' in the blog, and commenting that i looked like i was going to go to a funeral when i was in my black and white Edith-outfit. also, me and my brother both dreamt about gong gong dying. but nothing could have prepared us for it. preparation didnt mean no grieving, no tears either.) , and sure enough there was a form to fill up if your immediate family member had passed away. Your marks would not be considered for computation of CAP(the final exam grade, like aggregate of all your exam scores) then, BUT no Modular Credits would be given for the exams you're not going for. which simply means ill have to be retaking all the projects, tests, lectures, tutorials ive gone for, for the past sem. additional modules, on top of of my required 5 modules per sem. hope this makes sense for my non-NUS friends, basically it just means ive wasted close to half of my first six months in university.
So, i wouldnt be going for my Biology exam either, which totally collides with the cremation timing. im very dreading the cremation, because i know it'll be super sad, and i dont know how ill be able to get over it, for my New Media paper the next day. The first day of the funeral was already very sad, and almost all of us, even the male cousins, were weeping buckets, especially when the priest instructed us to call our gong gong to return home as they carried my gonggong's body to the funeral site. that was just heart-breaking.
:(
i'm trying to remind(convince) myself, that the body lying in the coffin is only an empty shell, and my gong gong's spirit is free in heaven, enstranged from all that physical torment he's gone through.
its funny, just a few days ago i was immersing myself in fantasies about after-exams activities, and how exciting it'll all be. and stressing myself over examinations as i read my notes. now, i just dont feel it anymore. everything's taken a whole new twist. it takes matters like this, for me to have to put down all supposedly-important matters, and just reflect on everything.
nothing feels the same anymore. i don't think 7th december will mean much, except that ill be resting finally. the funeral and examinations are just draining everything from me.
okay, ill be going back to the funeral in a couple of hours. take care, you all.
ive been wanting to say something about all that's been happening, but not knowing how to, and even not finding it appropriate to. but i think you guys should know.
so, the hospital called on Saturday, at about 1am something. i woke my mom up, and she and my dad rushed off. apparently, my grandfather was already gone by the time they reached, by the time the nurse called actually. my cousin reasoned its coz they didnt want any too-distraught state-of-mind, which would be unsafe for driving at that time of the night. and my mom didnt want to call me and break the news to me at that time, because she knew i was the only one still awake at that hour. so when i woke up tomorrow, i just managed to hear my brother tell me, that gong gong had passed away already. sheesh. tears. and i hate crying in front of family. but i always do.
and then, when my parents came back (they had spent many hours in the wee hours collecting the body, buying the coffin, settling funeral arrangements. straight away. i think my mom's got such a strong spirit.) my mom seemed okay. but then when she saw me with my red swollen eyes, she broke down for a while too, as she hugged me. while telling me (with a broken voice) that its okay, that gong gong was already very old (eighty).
anyway, so very quickly, we put on all black clothing and went over to my gong gong's flat, for the funeral. and i have been staying there for a few nights, helping out and just feeling the need to be around my cousins, aunties, my family. plus, to be there for my mom. (gong gong's my mother's father.)
the thing is, yesterday was my first paper, sociology. and so after terrible terrible hours of worrying and changing my mind over and over again if i should just go for my examination, i decided not to. And so i quickly checked online about it (actually i already checked a few days before my grandfather died, it was like there was a premonition or something. and i know ive said quite a few things about death just the day before, writing about 'funereal' in the blog, and commenting that i looked like i was going to go to a funeral when i was in my black and white Edith-outfit. also, me and my brother both dreamt about gong gong dying. but nothing could have prepared us for it. preparation didnt mean no grieving, no tears either.) , and sure enough there was a form to fill up if your immediate family member had passed away. Your marks would not be considered for computation of CAP(the final exam grade, like aggregate of all your exam scores) then, BUT no Modular Credits would be given for the exams you're not going for. which simply means ill have to be retaking all the projects, tests, lectures, tutorials ive gone for, for the past sem. additional modules, on top of of my required 5 modules per sem. hope this makes sense for my non-NUS friends, basically it just means ive wasted close to half of my first six months in university.
So, i wouldnt be going for my Biology exam either, which totally collides with the cremation timing. im very dreading the cremation, because i know it'll be super sad, and i dont know how ill be able to get over it, for my New Media paper the next day. The first day of the funeral was already very sad, and almost all of us, even the male cousins, were weeping buckets, especially when the priest instructed us to call our gong gong to return home as they carried my gonggong's body to the funeral site. that was just heart-breaking.
:(
i'm trying to remind(convince) myself, that the body lying in the coffin is only an empty shell, and my gong gong's spirit is free in heaven, enstranged from all that physical torment he's gone through.
its funny, just a few days ago i was immersing myself in fantasies about after-exams activities, and how exciting it'll all be. and stressing myself over examinations as i read my notes. now, i just dont feel it anymore. everything's taken a whole new twist. it takes matters like this, for me to have to put down all supposedly-important matters, and just reflect on everything.
nothing feels the same anymore. i don't think 7th december will mean much, except that ill be resting finally. the funeral and examinations are just draining everything from me.
okay, ill be going back to the funeral in a couple of hours. take care, you all.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 3:38 PM.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Yesterday morning.
i was touched by the warm gesture of jocelyn, when she presented us with a star-note, on which she's written loads of lovely comments, in the wee hours in the otherwise-cold morning. (sweet people like her make me realise maybe uni aint all full of bitches afterall. :) ) And then before we knew it, we had powdered Fuzzy and Joce from top to toe, Daphne had smeared on her PURPLE (yep, this shade alright.) lipstick, my bandage was safely in place, Jason had washed off his foundation.
we were ready to bask in the limelight.
And into LT13 we trooped. Bio-mechanics it was. didnt take long for us to finish set-up of the stage, and we signalled to the judges we were ready to start. "Start whenever you're ready."
Thrust into complete darkness for a while, and then the spotlights came on. and Joce was no longer joce, she had turned into the revengeful Ruth with her proud accent. Fuzzy was transformed into cool as cucumber Elvira, with her "WHYYY.". Jason was no more, Charles had assumed his place. Daphne morphed into wacky Madame Arcati, from the very moment she lay on the black box. and me, i was backstage alone. waiting for my entrance, and my heart was beating. fast. To be standing by myself in the almost completely dark backstage, it was extremely surreal. I could hear the play going on, and the judges' distant laughter. But it was like i was in an entire other world, just me, my script and the curtains. the latter was the only thing that separated me from them. and I was suddenly very aware why Esslin always goes on about the stage being a site where ALL became significant. Because upon my cue, I stepped out from the heavy curtains, onto the stage flooded with light. and i was no more joce.
the QnA was pretty horrifying, with Loon slamming our set design and demanding to know why Fuzzy and Joce were dressed the same. Some we didnt have answers for.
But all that's over, and im frankly more exuberant about the play itself, than the judges' comments.
Fuzzy, Joce, Daphne, Jason. We blithe spirits have pulled it off!! :)
All the photos taken are in Joce Liao's blog! http://www.scaree-w.blogspot.com/ You don't mind hor, joce? hee.
Yesterday afternoon.
After the celebratory meal at Fish n Co, we all trooped back home, tired as dogs. Acting is rather energy-sapping, and I couldnt wait to bathe and just NAPPPPP. and that's what i did. When i woke up, it was 8pm. Project Superstar!!
Yesterday night.
My eyes were all puffy after crying a long half-hour as the contestants got eliminated. Somehow, the funereal mood was overbearing, and the grief infected me. Bahh. I'm really a true-blue Mando-pop person. hhaa.
Anyway, i can't wait for Lingyi's performance. It's just really interesting when someone u've been seeing around the school for 2 years, appear on tv. (albeit we all didnt have good impressions of her.) she seems to have done quite well from the advertisements, apparently made Xu Huan Liang's heart beat faster. Hmmmm.
and i cant wait to finish my exams!! Not that i've started them though.
i was touched by the warm gesture of jocelyn, when she presented us with a star-note, on which she's written loads of lovely comments, in the wee hours in the otherwise-cold morning. (sweet people like her make me realise maybe uni aint all full of bitches afterall. :) ) And then before we knew it, we had powdered Fuzzy and Joce from top to toe, Daphne had smeared on her PURPLE (yep, this shade alright.) lipstick, my bandage was safely in place, Jason had washed off his foundation.
we were ready to bask in the limelight.
And into LT13 we trooped. Bio-mechanics it was. didnt take long for us to finish set-up of the stage, and we signalled to the judges we were ready to start. "Start whenever you're ready."
Thrust into complete darkness for a while, and then the spotlights came on. and Joce was no longer joce, she had turned into the revengeful Ruth with her proud accent. Fuzzy was transformed into cool as cucumber Elvira, with her "WHYYY.". Jason was no more, Charles had assumed his place. Daphne morphed into wacky Madame Arcati, from the very moment she lay on the black box. and me, i was backstage alone. waiting for my entrance, and my heart was beating. fast. To be standing by myself in the almost completely dark backstage, it was extremely surreal. I could hear the play going on, and the judges' distant laughter. But it was like i was in an entire other world, just me, my script and the curtains. the latter was the only thing that separated me from them. and I was suddenly very aware why Esslin always goes on about the stage being a site where ALL became significant. Because upon my cue, I stepped out from the heavy curtains, onto the stage flooded with light. and i was no more joce.
the QnA was pretty horrifying, with Loon slamming our set design and demanding to know why Fuzzy and Joce were dressed the same. Some we didnt have answers for.
But all that's over, and im frankly more exuberant about the play itself, than the judges' comments.
Fuzzy, Joce, Daphne, Jason. We blithe spirits have pulled it off!! :)
All the photos taken are in Joce Liao's blog! http://www.scaree-w.blogspot.com/ You don't mind hor, joce? hee.
Yesterday afternoon.
After the celebratory meal at Fish n Co, we all trooped back home, tired as dogs. Acting is rather energy-sapping, and I couldnt wait to bathe and just NAPPPPP. and that's what i did. When i woke up, it was 8pm. Project Superstar!!
Yesterday night.
My eyes were all puffy after crying a long half-hour as the contestants got eliminated. Somehow, the funereal mood was overbearing, and the grief infected me. Bahh. I'm really a true-blue Mando-pop person. hhaa.
Anyway, i can't wait for Lingyi's performance. It's just really interesting when someone u've been seeing around the school for 2 years, appear on tv. (albeit we all didnt have good impressions of her.) she seems to have done quite well from the advertisements, apparently made Xu Huan Liang's heart beat faster. Hmmmm.
and i cant wait to finish my exams!! Not that i've started them though.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 11:03 AM.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
some people just make me soooo mad. seriously, i just wanted to throttle her throat, and punch that smug know-it-all smile off her fat face. how could you have said that? (unless i heard wrongly) that was damn shit rude. and the other one, i thought better of you, and i might have been mistaken. but i just felt more pissed as i thought about everything in the library. (and i just seethed like an hour away, staring at my notes blankly while i ran through murder sequences over again and again.) seriously. i was like freaking annoyed, okay insulted will be a better word. i offended you hur? if not, why that shit-face. damn you.
none of you knows who i am talking about, so dont have to ask me yar. hee.
okay, trying to hee myself back to cheeriness.
nope, it isn't working. i just thought of another bitch who aint pleasing me either. okay, that's too mild.
on the other hand, maybe im the one with the probs. but wad?? damn shit.
argh. the time of the month must be arriving.
none of you knows who i am talking about, so dont have to ask me yar. hee.
okay, trying to hee myself back to cheeriness.
nope, it isn't working. i just thought of another bitch who aint pleasing me either. okay, that's too mild.
on the other hand, maybe im the one with the probs. but wad?? damn shit.
argh. the time of the month must be arriving.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 11:20 PM.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
behold the great multitasker. (into my mind pops the image of Daphne high up on the chair, waving her long arms about and vociferate her lengthy chant.)
i have my new media notes sprawled in front of me (you lucky kids who've finished As, prepare to embrace the new meaning of notes. In university, they simply mean self-printed copies of lecture slides in mini-squares, so there's about 6 per page.), my eyes darting frequently to the IVLE webcast lecture loading (slowwwwlllyyyy.) and while my inner devil urges me to scream at the selfish freak/neighbour practising the violin at 11pm (almost daily). My whole sentence structure is all screwed up coz im constantly interrupting myself.
i suddenly remember why i started using boo.
and babuseng. as in the word. it symbolically refers to diana ngiam, but the actual meaning of the word was lost to us both already. To me and her, it simply means a member of an African Tribe, which only language is 'telong kait wai' (good night), known to us at least. and an affectionate way of refering to really really darling friends. :)
But anyway, that day i google-d 'babuseng'. and there were LOADS of entries that started off "that sick babuseng grabbed my arse.." and "he did not do one bit of the project, what a babuseng." blah blahh. i think it meant bangladeshis to some, and just dirty namecalling to others. but there were some who used it to mean boyfriend, or friend too. that WAS surprising. i thought only me and di's blog entries would pop up, sincerely thought that we were the only 2 calling each other that. ha. the world is big, very much bigger than you'll like to think, my dear joce.
in order to jump to a random topic, ill end this line of thought with hooraying for the verysoontobe return of di (babuseng)!! 16th december, thats.. gee. its 25 days away. okayy, not so soon then. :(
whoops. i just realised the random topic cant be discussed here, coz the class dinner photos are in another computer. so tada.
and ill be playing maid in just 2 days, and graded for it!!
i'll be loving you, always. With a love that's true, always.
by the way, i personally feel the song sucks. yeuck.
i have my new media notes sprawled in front of me (you lucky kids who've finished As, prepare to embrace the new meaning of notes. In university, they simply mean self-printed copies of lecture slides in mini-squares, so there's about 6 per page.), my eyes darting frequently to the IVLE webcast lecture loading (slowwwwlllyyyy.) and while my inner devil urges me to scream at the selfish freak/neighbour practising the violin at 11pm (almost daily). My whole sentence structure is all screwed up coz im constantly interrupting myself.
i suddenly remember why i started using boo.
and babuseng. as in the word. it symbolically refers to diana ngiam, but the actual meaning of the word was lost to us both already. To me and her, it simply means a member of an African Tribe, which only language is 'telong kait wai' (good night), known to us at least. and an affectionate way of refering to really really darling friends. :)
But anyway, that day i google-d 'babuseng'. and there were LOADS of entries that started off "that sick babuseng grabbed my arse.." and "he did not do one bit of the project, what a babuseng." blah blahh. i think it meant bangladeshis to some, and just dirty namecalling to others. but there were some who used it to mean boyfriend, or friend too. that WAS surprising. i thought only me and di's blog entries would pop up, sincerely thought that we were the only 2 calling each other that. ha. the world is big, very much bigger than you'll like to think, my dear joce.
in order to jump to a random topic, ill end this line of thought with hooraying for the verysoontobe return of di (babuseng)!! 16th december, thats.. gee. its 25 days away. okayy, not so soon then. :(
whoops. i just realised the random topic cant be discussed here, coz the class dinner photos are in another computer. so tada.
and ill be playing maid in just 2 days, and graded for it!!
i'll be loving you, always. With a love that's true, always.
by the way, i personally feel the song sucks. yeuck.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 11:08 PM.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
you'll think i had some depression thing going on here from my past entries. but really, i havent been all down. just that i blog when im down. so dont worry my folks!
my head's all heavy now. can feel a headache coming on. all that durian just now la! and it was baddd durian. as in not making me feel sinful-bad, but yucks-yellowmush-bad. and i felt pretty sick right after i downed them down, was tasting it for my family. bleah. overdosed, and cuddled up in bed, with the nausea-causing durian stench still whirling in my throat. napped for an hour, woke up and felt even worse. PUI.
ooh. exams are coming!! and holidays wouldnt be as exciting if it werent for the exams. now im even contemplating if i could just spend ONE day on one subject. hahha. even though i know it wouldnt be possible, but ill have to do with that kinda, cause im just really moving tooo slowlllyyy (think one lecture note per day) and exams aint a year later.
was just thinking, its all good that im in arts. cause i get to learn about so many things i never would have been able to. and its all pretty exciting, despite not really being able to bond with people. (but a few's working out) the university structure just aint gonna work for friendships, with people coming and going out of tutorial classes. and i hadn't talked to at least 17/18 of all my tutorial mates. and thats a whole bunch of people, and a lot of potential friendships flushed down the pipeline.
see, i start out good, but end up slamming it.
7th dec will see a happier me. At least i wouldnt need to feel all that guilt weighed down as i channel surfed between 52 and 54. :)
my head's all heavy now. can feel a headache coming on. all that durian just now la! and it was baddd durian. as in not making me feel sinful-bad, but yucks-yellowmush-bad. and i felt pretty sick right after i downed them down, was tasting it for my family. bleah. overdosed, and cuddled up in bed, with the nausea-causing durian stench still whirling in my throat. napped for an hour, woke up and felt even worse. PUI.
ooh. exams are coming!! and holidays wouldnt be as exciting if it werent for the exams. now im even contemplating if i could just spend ONE day on one subject. hahha. even though i know it wouldnt be possible, but ill have to do with that kinda, cause im just really moving tooo slowlllyyy (think one lecture note per day) and exams aint a year later.
was just thinking, its all good that im in arts. cause i get to learn about so many things i never would have been able to. and its all pretty exciting, despite not really being able to bond with people. (but a few's working out) the university structure just aint gonna work for friendships, with people coming and going out of tutorial classes. and i hadn't talked to at least 17/18 of all my tutorial mates. and thats a whole bunch of people, and a lot of potential friendships flushed down the pipeline.
see, i start out good, but end up slamming it.
7th dec will see a happier me. At least i wouldnt need to feel all that guilt weighed down as i channel surfed between 52 and 54. :)
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 6:45 PM.
Friday, November 10, 2006
oh looking at aud so in bliss, where art thou, my love.
Fuzzy's house is just beside the sea. and she's right. the air is cleaner in the east. sigh. ( i cant help frowning whenever the phone rings.)
i received my very first hari raya packet! quite generous man, fuzzy's mom. We ate brownie-cheesecake ice cream in the night, after sitting below the stars at the beach. most of the sky was pitch black though. and fuzzy tried to find seashells with her powerful handphone light. haha.
Blah. i feel like i need cheering up. from what, i dont know.
and her room is ORANGE. all bright and pretty!
CHOCOLATE MILK. YUMMY. but it hurts cause ive ulcers. (mab, its your cup! hee. I always reserve it to fill choc milk or milo.)
damn, i cant stand korean drama and their taiwan voice-overs.
can i freaking stop complaining.
where's the rainbow, damn.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 5:36 PM.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
shock meself, with sudden flashes with irritation, and near lashing out to certain innocents.
I am not kind, hardly patient, and rather short-tempered. but these all inside, my dear. all hidden from view, not displayed, so you passing the gritty shop-window don't have no clue.
godot. its not half-bad. it makes perfect sense to me, as it enlightened about the mere insignificance of beings, and the foolish, derisory, subliminal efforts by humans to seek significance in everything. (think creating the family structure, my bloggin of what i ate yesterday etc.) but u, me can't beat the cycle.
there's a greater being somewhere.
and it isn't us.
I am not kind, hardly patient, and rather short-tempered. but these all inside, my dear. all hidden from view, not displayed, so you passing the gritty shop-window don't have no clue.
godot. its not half-bad. it makes perfect sense to me, as it enlightened about the mere insignificance of beings, and the foolish, derisory, subliminal efforts by humans to seek significance in everything. (think creating the family structure, my bloggin of what i ate yesterday etc.) but u, me can't beat the cycle.
there's a greater being somewhere.
and it isn't us.
the dog wags its tail
the cat snarls and the rats twitch
former-apes (just) make noise
damn the haiku's spoilt.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 8:55 PM.
