Tuesday, November 28, 2006
this is my number dunno-what-attempt to write.
ive been wanting to say something about all that's been happening, but not knowing how to, and even not finding it appropriate to. but i think you guys should know.
so, the hospital called on Saturday, at about 1am something. i woke my mom up, and she and my dad rushed off. apparently, my grandfather was already gone by the time they reached, by the time the nurse called actually. my cousin reasoned its coz they didnt want any too-distraught state-of-mind, which would be unsafe for driving at that time of the night. and my mom didnt want to call me and break the news to me at that time, because she knew i was the only one still awake at that hour. so when i woke up tomorrow, i just managed to hear my brother tell me, that gong gong had passed away already. sheesh. tears. and i hate crying in front of family. but i always do.
and then, when my parents came back (they had spent many hours in the wee hours collecting the body, buying the coffin, settling funeral arrangements. straight away. i think my mom's got such a strong spirit.) my mom seemed okay. but then when she saw me with my red swollen eyes, she broke down for a while too, as she hugged me. while telling me (with a broken voice) that its okay, that gong gong was already very old (eighty).
anyway, so very quickly, we put on all black clothing and went over to my gong gong's flat, for the funeral. and i have been staying there for a few nights, helping out and just feeling the need to be around my cousins, aunties, my family. plus, to be there for my mom. (gong gong's my mother's father.)
the thing is, yesterday was my first paper, sociology. and so after terrible terrible hours of worrying and changing my mind over and over again if i should just go for my examination, i decided not to. And so i quickly checked online about it (actually i already checked a few days before my grandfather died, it was like there was a premonition or something. and i know ive said quite a few things about death just the day before, writing about 'funereal' in the blog, and commenting that i looked like i was going to go to a funeral when i was in my black and white Edith-outfit. also, me and my brother both dreamt about gong gong dying. but nothing could have prepared us for it. preparation didnt mean no grieving, no tears either.) , and sure enough there was a form to fill up if your immediate family member had passed away. Your marks would not be considered for computation of CAP(the final exam grade, like aggregate of all your exam scores) then, BUT no Modular Credits would be given for the exams you're not going for. which simply means ill have to be retaking all the projects, tests, lectures, tutorials ive gone for, for the past sem. additional modules, on top of of my required 5 modules per sem. hope this makes sense for my non-NUS friends, basically it just means ive wasted close to half of my first six months in university.
So, i wouldnt be going for my Biology exam either, which totally collides with the cremation timing. im very dreading the cremation, because i know it'll be super sad, and i dont know how ill be able to get over it, for my New Media paper the next day. The first day of the funeral was already very sad, and almost all of us, even the male cousins, were weeping buckets, especially when the priest instructed us to call our gong gong to return home as they carried my gonggong's body to the funeral site. that was just heart-breaking.
:(
i'm trying to remind(convince) myself, that the body lying in the coffin is only an empty shell, and my gong gong's spirit is free in heaven, enstranged from all that physical torment he's gone through.
its funny, just a few days ago i was immersing myself in fantasies about after-exams activities, and how exciting it'll all be. and stressing myself over examinations as i read my notes. now, i just dont feel it anymore. everything's taken a whole new twist. it takes matters like this, for me to have to put down all supposedly-important matters, and just reflect on everything.
nothing feels the same anymore. i don't think 7th december will mean much, except that ill be resting finally. the funeral and examinations are just draining everything from me.
okay, ill be going back to the funeral in a couple of hours. take care, you all.
ive been wanting to say something about all that's been happening, but not knowing how to, and even not finding it appropriate to. but i think you guys should know.
so, the hospital called on Saturday, at about 1am something. i woke my mom up, and she and my dad rushed off. apparently, my grandfather was already gone by the time they reached, by the time the nurse called actually. my cousin reasoned its coz they didnt want any too-distraught state-of-mind, which would be unsafe for driving at that time of the night. and my mom didnt want to call me and break the news to me at that time, because she knew i was the only one still awake at that hour. so when i woke up tomorrow, i just managed to hear my brother tell me, that gong gong had passed away already. sheesh. tears. and i hate crying in front of family. but i always do.
and then, when my parents came back (they had spent many hours in the wee hours collecting the body, buying the coffin, settling funeral arrangements. straight away. i think my mom's got such a strong spirit.) my mom seemed okay. but then when she saw me with my red swollen eyes, she broke down for a while too, as she hugged me. while telling me (with a broken voice) that its okay, that gong gong was already very old (eighty).
anyway, so very quickly, we put on all black clothing and went over to my gong gong's flat, for the funeral. and i have been staying there for a few nights, helping out and just feeling the need to be around my cousins, aunties, my family. plus, to be there for my mom. (gong gong's my mother's father.)
the thing is, yesterday was my first paper, sociology. and so after terrible terrible hours of worrying and changing my mind over and over again if i should just go for my examination, i decided not to. And so i quickly checked online about it (actually i already checked a few days before my grandfather died, it was like there was a premonition or something. and i know ive said quite a few things about death just the day before, writing about 'funereal' in the blog, and commenting that i looked like i was going to go to a funeral when i was in my black and white Edith-outfit. also, me and my brother both dreamt about gong gong dying. but nothing could have prepared us for it. preparation didnt mean no grieving, no tears either.) , and sure enough there was a form to fill up if your immediate family member had passed away. Your marks would not be considered for computation of CAP(the final exam grade, like aggregate of all your exam scores) then, BUT no Modular Credits would be given for the exams you're not going for. which simply means ill have to be retaking all the projects, tests, lectures, tutorials ive gone for, for the past sem. additional modules, on top of of my required 5 modules per sem. hope this makes sense for my non-NUS friends, basically it just means ive wasted close to half of my first six months in university.
So, i wouldnt be going for my Biology exam either, which totally collides with the cremation timing. im very dreading the cremation, because i know it'll be super sad, and i dont know how ill be able to get over it, for my New Media paper the next day. The first day of the funeral was already very sad, and almost all of us, even the male cousins, were weeping buckets, especially when the priest instructed us to call our gong gong to return home as they carried my gonggong's body to the funeral site. that was just heart-breaking.
:(
i'm trying to remind(convince) myself, that the body lying in the coffin is only an empty shell, and my gong gong's spirit is free in heaven, enstranged from all that physical torment he's gone through.
its funny, just a few days ago i was immersing myself in fantasies about after-exams activities, and how exciting it'll all be. and stressing myself over examinations as i read my notes. now, i just dont feel it anymore. everything's taken a whole new twist. it takes matters like this, for me to have to put down all supposedly-important matters, and just reflect on everything.
nothing feels the same anymore. i don't think 7th december will mean much, except that ill be resting finally. the funeral and examinations are just draining everything from me.
okay, ill be going back to the funeral in a couple of hours. take care, you all.
can you hear the soft swoosh of the butterflies' wings. 3:38 PM.
